all cool we slung into the bank

 

 

 

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illustrates by Frosty

 

 

 

all cool we slung into the bank. jeremy was funky with moustache stuck on just right. lim was still listening to music on his headphones – Pigeon Party by Console. YOU GODDAMN RIGHT!

we’re all armed big style. knives and guns and shit like that. this one’s for the cameras. this one’s to prove a point. angels can’t get caught. fairies can’t be found. the money belongs to the people. stop and stay and k-k-kill, you understand me?

I turn around and I unbutton the first button on my three buttoned shirt, shirt made entirely from synthesised tree bark, a shirt with no seams, a shirt I bought off a cocaine addict for thousands and thousands of dollars for five dollars, a shirt I robbed from a poor boy and spent hours folding and ironing and sewing. I unbotton the first button and I tug the collar down so the clerk can read the bite marks on my chest. they spell out ROBBERY.

yeah, she’s cool with it. I touch her face with a long slimy paw and leave a trail of sickly yellow glistening fluid that burns like acid and sinks swiftly into her skin. before too many seconds have passed she’s growing more and more beautiful, until she’s too beautiful for words, until she’s too beautiful for personality, until she’s an angel and two huge wings burst out her back. she slams up the screens and the doors lock close and jeremy pulls out a huge rifle – a fucking huge rifle, an unnecessarily huge rifle, a rifle as large as an old lady, and aims it at the old lady on the floor.

O YEAH! forgot how much fun that was! old woman screaming with a gun as big as she is crammed down her eyeballs, so it fills her vision and lets nothing through. she’s choking with the terror and yelping and gulping and begging and we’re all laughing, and lim pulls out one headphone and kisses jeremy on the cheek and jeremy pulls the trigger and fires at the old owman.

out of the barrel of the gun another old woman slowly slithers, the exact double of the poor screaming bitch on the floor. a doppelganger and dressed the same. the woman-bullet lies down next to her target on the floor and hugs her, holds her, tries to calm her sobbing, squeezes her, kisses her, caresses her, dry-humps her, the poor woman being fucked by her exact double there on the bank floor.

YOU BETTER START FUCKING! scream Jeremy YOU BETTER START FUCKING! or you be left behind.
old woman too terrified now and the woman-bullet gently pries her mouth open, fits one finger between her teeth, fits another finger between her teeth, fits her fist in the old woman’s mouth, jams her hand down her throat, sticks her arm in up to the elbow, gets a hold of the old woman’s spine and pulls herself in, inch by labourious inch, she climbs inside the old woman.
I’m inclined to think that the moment for chaos truly has arrived. the time to party is well and truly nigh. I give a pre-arranged signal to Lim, the pre-arranged signal is that I throw both hands in the air like a rock star. I throw both hands in the air, that’s the signal and Lim tears out his headphones and smashes the walkman on the floor. smashes it and it bursts and machinery flies everywhere but all the dials are still twisting, and the tape is still winding through the shattered reels and the music starts to throb out the ground, real cool music, real funky groovy shit, the sort of music you’d wanna rob a bank to, and because of how cool the music is the customers leap on their feet and start dancing, they’re all dancing frantically to the cool cool music.

this doesn’t suit with our bank robbery plans obviously so we start murdering the customers, chunk at a time, I mean clump at a time, we take their heads apart and throw their innards apart as an example to each other of how to butcher customers. All right! they’re dying now good and quickly, and I’m loving the savagery of it, singing simple songs about emotions. surely by now the police have been alerted? destruction like this should create order on a greater scale, a huge patterned response from thousands of law enforcers and society protectors homing in on us, barking at one another and keeping in radio contact. no we’re not chaotic. we’re just excited! it’s our first bank robbery and it’s going great!

I like to hear the boys and girls shriek and then when they stop shrieking I like the quiet of being dead. anyway what matters is that the bank boys and girls soon stop being alive and protective of the bank and their lives and in one glorious rush they relinquish the loot, the vaults are open and from them tumble loose huge cascades of vaginas, soft and young vaginas floating free of human bodies, all pink and sensitive, the lips moving slowly like sea anenomes,
we throw them out to the people, we’re Sherlock Holmes taking from the rich and giving to the poor, we’re Grandmaster Flash telling true stories to the populace, we’re giving away vaginas to boys and girls and EVERYONE WANTS ONE! one girl sticks it to the side of her head and everyone laughs and she does too she doesn’t realise it will be STUCK THERE FOREVER!

hehe!

after a few minutes of this the boredom kicks in like it usually does and Lim plugs the music back into his ears. now we observe converging on us from all directions the Awesome Power of The Law. Yes, it’s true, there are police cars and uniformed apes moving from north south east west there are helicopters descending from above and an experimental police mole machine has cut off any exit from below our feet. It’s a shame that there are only three dimensions we can escape in, we could escape by fleeing forward or backwards in time but THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE isn’t it?

anyway, it seems simple that we might just have to face up to the facts of what we’ve done. the awful murders, the grisly butchering of the bank’s customers and how no-one got away, no-one at all. I say we oughta surrender and Jeremy wholly agrees with me. he says YEAH MAN THAT’S A AWESOME IDEA! I’m touched by Jeremy’s support and we both hold each other like how I remember holding my little sister when we were very young and we would sleep in the same bed at night.

well what does Lim think? Lim would like to confer with the music and the music is kicking, drums echoing other drums and bouncing back around again like a rave in an underpass. it’s all too much for Lim and he’s not concerned, he just wants to kick his heels in and out until his ankles break. that’s great to watch and we share a powerful moment of being friends watching Lim dance all painful and splintering. HOORAY! Lim’s a great dancer and it is good to watch him.

now next we notice that time has passed and the future is transformed into the present. the police come inside like big men and women all frightening but friendly and they’re asking questions like PUT THE KNIFE DOWN! so that’s the conditions of our arrest? they want us to be no further threat? I don’t see it, I don’t understand it, it’s not complicated but the motives behind it are confusing. I’m faced with a dilemma. should I put the knife down which is what they’re saying to do or should I keep hold of the knife and see what happens next?

Decisions involve kicking into the back end of my brain and breaking it into life, like breaking fresh-baked-bread and seeing that healthy yellowy steam, that smell like you’re about to have a fine meal of bread, that’s the smell and sight of my brain making a decision, now let’s watch it go, I break it open… feed it my choices… LET’S GO!

brain says put the knife down and that’s easily translated into physyical action. by thunderingly cool coincidence Lim and Jeremy’s brains have come up with similar activities for their bodies to perform so before you know what’s what the whole game is over. yeah? yeah? the whole game is over, pal. how does it conclude? the police are marching us away to where we shall never be a threat again. it’s a good thing. I didn’t want to be any trouble to any other human being. the judge explains why we should be sorry for what we did and I’m sorry for what we did. soon it’s all over and they lock us in prison for-ever. that’s not great it’s good but it’s not great. I preferred things before, but my brain can’t engineer a series of actions for my body to take that will take my body out of the prison and into a party. what a shambles!

seems like I’d better concentrate on reading my books and bettering myself. after all, who knows when the next great day is gonna come along!

 

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