4. An cafe
Two office workers, CATERWAUL and TANGALANG, sit drinking coffee from empty cups. CAT clears her throat. TANG clears hers louder. CAT strokes her knee as it was a pussy-cat. TANG shoves CAT as if she’s a schoolyard bully. CAT’s knee has fleas and CAT picks them out. TANG begins to clap politely.
Four loveable english lads walk on stage.
CAT’s knee has rabies and it tries to bite CAT and TANG in the throat.
CAT: Play some Carole King, you fucking wankers!
TANG: Play the Indigo Girls!
CAT: Play the new Red Hot Chilli Peppers single!
TANG: You fucking wankers!
EYS gets behind a microphone. He is clearly nervous. He starts to sing.
EYS: Last night these two bouncers and one of them’s all right
the other’s a scary’un and his way or no way
totalitarian
he’s got no time for you
looking or breathing how he don’t want you to
so step out the queue!
he makes examples of you!
The other English lads begin to rock out. MARTHA is a drumkit. One of the lads, MONK, keeps hitting her with a stick.
CAT: Play some Venom!
TANG: In League With Satan!
CAT: Where’s Sandra today? He must have slept in. He must have got with a middle-aged woman at the Penguin Café last night.
TANG: I hope he used protection.
CAT: He must have used protection. He must have wrapped his dick up nice and tight in gladwrap-
TANG: -in a condom, Cat-
CAT: -and run it in and out of her wet pussy
TANG: Bet that felt nice
CAT: Bet it felt real nice
TANG: I bet
CAT: I bet it did.
TANG: Slowly in
CAT: He could feel her cunt clenching
TANG: Right back out again
CAT: Until the head of his dick was right at the entrance to her pleasure grotto
TANG: Play some Captain Beefheart!
CAT: Play Her Eyes Are A Blue Million Miles, you bunch of squares!
TANG: You bunch of queens!
EYS: This town’s a different town today
Said this town’s a different town
to what it was last night
you wouldn’t tell em that on a Sunday!
MARTHA: Sorry, you’re hitting me with that.
EYS: And that girl’s a different girl today
said that girl’s a different girl
to her you kissed last night
you wouldn’t be kissing that on a Sunday!
Of course not!
MARTHA: Please stop hitting me with that
CAT: Look at Martha Waits
TANG: Letting that drummer hit her
CAT: What a punching bag
TANG: Maybe she likes her men like that
CAT: She’s not one to be choosy
TANG: I think she likes them with the smell of garbage on them
CAT: What a slut
TANG: I think she likes them with flies buzzing round them
CAT: Me too
TANG: Yeah, me too
MARTHA: Listen, fucko, I want you to stop hitting me right now!
MONK: Fucko?
MARTHA: Yes, fucko, stop it.
EYS: Last night, what we talked about
made so much sense
but now the haze has ascended
it don’t make no sense any more
MONK: MAKE ME!
EYS: Last night, what we talked about
made so much sense
but now the haze has ascended
it don’t make no sense any more!
MARTHA: Fuck you!
MONK: You can’t!
MARTHA smashes apart MONK and then rips up the other members of the band. She holds her face with both hands and runs around blindly until she hits the table that CAT and TANG are sitting at. The rock band lies bleeding and broken in the wreckage.
EYS: We’re Arctic Monkeys… don’t believe the hype…
They all die.
MARTHA: Excuse me, can I sit with you? Can I sit with you?
CAT: You can have this seat.
MARTHA: Thank you. I’m sorry, I don’t want to disturb your lunchbreak.
CAT: That’s all right, Martha.
TANG: Don’t worry, everyone in the office likes you
CAT: Everyone thinks you’re really cool.
TANG: Well, I need to go and suck a dick
CAT: Yes, must dash and hump that glass ceiling
TANG: Ceiling-ho!
CAT & TANG march off together singing
CAT: Well her eyes
TANG: Yes her eyes
CAT & TANG: Well her eyes are a bruised million miles.
5 - A desert
